Self sabotage and me

I’ve noticed that this can be something I have a tendency to do. Let me explain what I mean. For the past few months I’ve been trying to lose weight, exercise more and get healthy. For the last few weeks, while I’ve been battling my anxiety, I’ve ordered a couple of takeaways and am in real danger of falling back into my old and bad habits. I’m well on the way. Not only am I sabotaging my weight loss (I’ve gained 2 pounds) I’m also sabotaging myself financially. Not great considering I’m now on half pay.

My sleep is another example. I’m not a great sleeper at the best of times but recently I’m finding myself staying up later, its like I’m trying to extend the day or delay going to bed to prevent the next day happening. This is particularly true as the week progresses and Monday approaches again. My anxiety definitely increases from Wednesday.

My work situation is another. I know I need to deal with the difficulty and make a decision which way I’d like HR to proceed. I’ve been delaying this decision. I’m a procrastinator at the best of times but I know I’m avoiding this. I also know I’m very anxious about the process but more so about the consequences of taking this action. Its a catch 22, I want something to happen before I feel ready to go back to work but by not doing anything, nothing will change and I won’t feel ready to go back.

Similarly, I’ve started to update my CV and think about what other jobs I could do but haven’t as yet had the confidence to apply for other jobs. My confidence has definitely been knocked by this. I hadn’t realised how much. I’m also really annoyed at myself that I didn’t take action about the work thing months ago. Instead, the harder I tried, the worse it got. I couldn’t do right for doing wrong and it didn’t matter what I did, nothing changed.

It took me months before I could tell anyone. I felt like I’d failed and that it was my fault. My mental health was such that I thought those close to me would be disappointed in me and judge me. I felt that I’d be stigmatised. Writing this know, makes me feel so angry. My family and friends would NEVER do this. My parents have always said no matter what, I can tell them anything and go home if I need to. My friends that I’ve spoken to have both supported me and identified that it sounds like bullying. Not only that, I know it is something that my friends have experienced, dealt with and successfully moved on to bigger and better things. I know I need to be proactive and take action.

So, tomorrow is the day. I’m scared and stressed and worried and anxious but I have to start to take back my control.

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