Looking back to move forward

I’ve kept a diary for years, my memory isn’t great so it’s nice to have a record of my life. I also find it therapeutic. Its nice to have somewhere to note my thoughts, fears, worries, hopes and successes.

I know that living in the past is not healthy. I am happy in the present (work situation and anxiety aside.) Today I was looking at my diaries from 2015 and 2016. I was lax at completing my diary daily in 2015 but from my entries such as they were in 2015 and in 2016, it was very clear that I was not happy. I was frustrated, depressed and settling for way less than I should have.

My ex partner struggled with his mental health and this is in no way a dig at him. It is about me reflecting on the impact of his mental health on me and my own mental health. I was full of questions in 2016. Mostly I was questioning whether I was being unreasonable? Was I expecting too much? Were my ex partner’s expectations of me reasonable? We were operating on different hours whilst living in the same house. It was hard. I was working, he wasn’t. Today, I could see from looking back that at that time I was questioning whether to continue in the relationship.

It took me a further 18 months before I ended the relationship. It was the best decision. Yes, it was awful at the time. Ending a relationship is the hardest thing I have ever done. I knew that it would hurt my ex, but I knew I had to do it. I’d had enough. I wasn’t happy, he wasn’t happy and staying together wouldn’t have been right for either of us.

Facing being single in my late 30’s was daunting. I thought that my ex partner was the man that I would marry and would be the father of my children. Instead, I was single and childless.

It’s funny but in 2017, I’d actually thought about us trying for a baby. There was some uncertainty at work so financially it could’ve been a disaster if I got pregnant and even made redundant. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Thankfully, I wasn’t made redundant and it became clear that having a baby together would not have been a good idea.

Fast forward to today. I’m still childless but I’m in a relationship with an amazing man. Now I know why none of my previous relationships worked out. I also know that those relationships taught me what I needed to know about myself, to know what I need from a relationship. I know that I have found my soulmate. We have talked about having a baby and I know he will be a brilliant father to our child, when the time is right.

2 thoughts on “Looking back to move forward

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