I feel like I’m at a real crossroads. I’m imminently about to turn 40. I think I’m still in denial about that….I don’t feel 40. I don’t even know what being 40 should feel like! In my head, I’m still 21. I think that 40 is a really grown up age, I’m nowhere near a grown up….I’m still making it up, hoping I get it right and trying to get my s**t together! Grown ups are together!!
I digress. There are two key things that are bothering me and causing me to feel unsure what direction to go in. The first is my desire to be a mother. I can hear that biological clock of mine ticking and its getting louder and louder all the time. I’m terrified that I’ve left it too late. I’m also very aware that if I do conceive, because of my age the pregnancy will be much higher risk and there are increased risks of birth defects. My relationship with my boyfriend is also fairly new…we’ve been together 7 months. I know with every fibre of my being that he is my soulmate and the man I want to be the father of our child. (Much as I’d love to have 2 children, I won’t push my luck!)
The other is work. Not the whole unresolved issues (see my previous post: Decision deadline approaches…) but what do I want to do for the rest of my working life? I’d love to be able to work from home but I’m not in a place financially to do that right now. Realistically, I need to find a sideline that I can do in my spare time whilst continuing to work full time. I’d love to go down the counselling route, so would need to save to go back into education to achieve that. I’m also fortunate enough to be on a permanent contract, do I really want to give that up?
This is also where the things that are playing on my mind converge. If my dream of having a child is to be realised, I’ll need to do that sooner rather than later. Of course that’s a decision to be made jointly with my boyfriend. There is also a huge financial element to having children, small people need lots of stuff!! All flippancy aside, having children means that they come first and their needs need to be met emotionally, physically and financially. Raising a child needs financial stability….not realistic if I’m planning on going back to education.
So here I am. At a real crossroads with no idea which way to go?