I feel overall that I’m winning my battle with anxiety. I’m feeling more positive and more like myself. Whether that is due to medication, my self-care or a combination of both, I don’t know but whatever it is, I’m not complaining. Long may it last!
There is one black cloud approaching on the horizon. Work. The issues there are still unresolved. As I write this I can feel my stomach tying itself into knots and my mouth getting dry. I don’t know how to start to resolve this issue. It’s also not fully my decision; my GP, employer, an Occupational Therapist are also part of this decision and my partner is also involved.
I do know that if I’m to return to my job, I need a different manager. I don’t feel comfortable with my current manager. I don’t feel that I can trust my current manager. I don’t want to leave my job, I love it and I am good at it. I’ve been made to doubt my abilities over the last year or so and its taken me till now to recognise how skilled and experienced I am. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect and am still learning everyday but I am good at my job.
I think I’m ready to get back to work and all that it entails. Its been a long time that I’ve been off sick. Home is definitely my cocoon, my safe place but I think I’m ready to face the world again. That said, I’m kind of relieved that its not my decision to make alone. I’ve definitely been guilty of rushing back to work too soon in the past. I can’t afford to make that mistake again. I now know that my health is my top priority and I will never again let myself get into a situation that is so detrimental to both my physical and mental health.
I feel kind of stuck and a bit out of control. I don’t like feeling out of control. I need to wait for a second appointment with the Occupational Therapist – patience is not always my strong point. What I can control, is continuing with my medication and going back to my GP for guidance. I can also continue with my self-care. Putting my reasons for seeking a change of manager onto paper may also help….it’ll clarify my thoughts and be helpful when making the application to change manager to my employer. In the meantime, I’m going to breathe and trust that everything will work out for the best.