Maybe baby

Today, I finally sat down and composed my grievance document for work. It has made me feel sick with anxiety and taken me back to a very stressful and unhappy time. I’ve been avoiding it. I’ve attempted it several times and parked it as my anxiety levels went through the roof. In all honesty, I don’t want to go back to that work place. My GP won’t sanction it anyway.

I could ask for a transfer to a different location but if I’m totally honest, all I want to do is stay home and have babies. I’ve worked at my career since I graduated from university and now I want to be a Mum. More specifically a stay at home Mum. I don’t see the point in having children and having a child minder raise them. That’s only my opinion and I respect other people’s choices and views that are different to mine.

I know babies are expensive and being financially secure would be ideal but we don’t live in an ideal world. Fact is, I’m forty. Time is not on my side. My biological click is ticking, it has been ticking for a while and it is getting louder.

I like being at home. I feel safe at home, not that I feel unsafe when I’m out, but my house is my space. I’m in control when I’m home. I’m not really big into nights out – the hangovers are just not worth it. I’m ready to put my needs to one side and prioritise those of my child. It won’t be a huge wrench to put work aside to have a baby. I’m content.

I’ve also finally met a man that I want to have children with. He has a child from a previous relationship so I know already that he’s a good Dad. Its still fairly early days for our relationship and we have talked about having a child together. The sooner the better as far as I’m concerned!

There are some health issues to get under control, my blood pressure medication is necessary but not compatible with pregnancy. I’d also like to be off my medication for anxiety and depression too. I’m not quite there yet. They are definitely my security net and I’m not ready to relinquish that right now. I can’t think of a better reason to keep focused on my recovery than having a baby.

Money’s Too Tight To Mention….

So as that magical day at the end of the month approaches (pay day), this month I am not looking forward to it. I look forward to pay day every month. I love seeing my bank balance look healthy and in the black – no matter how briefly – before the bill payments and other debits that I deem necessary reduce my balance to where I am now….on the countdown and in the red. Anxious is an understatement.

This month however is different as I am on sick leave. I’m dreading pay day and my anxiety is having a field day. This month I have no idea how much or little I’ll get paid. I have had my weekly sickness pay from the state which, whilst trying to be thrifty, I confess I have mostly spent. I have advised my employer of these payments and they in turn will deduct them from my salary, thus ensuring my tax contributions are correct. This leaves me wondering and worrying how unhealthy my bank balance will look. It also leaves me kicking myself for having spent so freely and living for the moment as I have. I’m an expert at self- sabotage.

It was not all frivolity though. This past month since my last pay day has seen me visiting consultants for my health and buying additional medications as they have been prescribed to me. Being healthy doesn’t come cheap. It’s far quicker to get an appointment if you go private, so that is what I have done. If you can, you pay your money and are seen quickly. On the public list for the same consultants, I’d be waiting years….

Money management isn’t a new thing for me. I’ve been paid monthly ever since I started working…with the exception of when I was waitressing as a student. I live like a king for the first week, then spend the rest of the month trying to get to pay day again. I’m not totally irresponsible though, I’ve always paid into a private pension and I pay for my health insurance too. It has been a sensible investment and I’d have been lost without it. Somehow, I just can’t make my pay stretch all month and as for saving, forget about it!

Except this month, I don’t want to forget about it. I’m nearly 40. I have financial desires that I am not achieving. Whilst lovely, daydreaming about winning the lottery is not reality. It’s fantasy. I need to get real. I don’t know if I will be able to cover my outgoings this month, that’s before buying food or my medication. I’m nearly 40 and still paying back my student loans from 20 years ago. I have a credit card with a balance and an overdraft. I’m costing myself money!!!

So, it is time to change my attitude to money and curb my reckless spending habits. Time to be more sensible. Once I get through this month, I need to reduce my debts and then start saving. I want to be a homeowner and a mother. I can afford neither right now. It’s time to grow up and be more financially responsible. Time to be sassy and sensible!

My money mantra going forward will now be: Do I need it? Will I use it? Can I afford it? If the answer is no, I don’t buy it.