While it is true to say that I am feeling much more like myself than I have in a long time….something that my Mum commented on having noticed. These past few days, or more specifically nights, my anxiety has reared its ugly head.
I’ve always had fairly crazy dreams and have definitely woken up shaking my head on more than one occasion. These past few nights though have been different. I’ve found myself waking up drenched in sweat after dreaming of being chased, trapped, attacked, assaulted and feeling cornered. I’ve been finding myself trying to shout out in my sleep at my attacker and have woken myself trying to do so.
I’ve had nightmares before but previously when I’ve fallen back to sleep, I’ve had more pleasant dreams and woken feeling refreshed. Certainly not saturated in sweat with my heart racing. Recently though when I’ve managed to reassure myself that it was just a dream and I’m safe before going back to sleep, I’ve had another nightmare more disturbing than the one before.
Worse still, this feeling has lingered. Still is. I know what the cause is too – work. Ow that I’m feeling better, I find myself feeling more and more angry at the way I was treated by my manager. I’m wanting to go back to work but need a resolution to the manager issue. I’ve had a follow up meeting with the Occupational Therapist who is on agreement that a resolution is needed to allow my successful return to work.
Patience is not my strong point, so waiting to hear from my employer is causing me anxiety. I don’t know whether to take the bull by the horns and make the first move? I don’t feel that I’m calm enough to put my grievance in writing as yet. I’m stuck. I’m also tired of feeling like I’m out of control or of waiting for things to happen.
As the weather has taken a cooler turn, I’ve felt myself struggling to get warm. Its not uncommon for me to feel cold when I’m tired but I’ve also felt achey all over. I haven’t gotten around to getting my flu vaccination yet this year…I don’t know whether to go for it or hold off till I feel better. I’m worried that I might be getting a cold. Long gone are the days that a cold would come and go. The joys of being asthmatic means I now worry that it goes into my chest.
Its also fair to say that I am exhausted tired. I’m never fully rational or think straight when I’m tired. Unfortunately I’m also not really able to sleep during the day, unless I’m ill or having a migraine. I badly need a good and restful nights sleep. I really hope it happens. Until then, today will be fueled by caffeine and sugar.