Maybe baby

Today, I finally sat down and composed my grievance document for work. It has made me feel sick with anxiety and taken me back to a very stressful and unhappy time. I’ve been avoiding it. I’ve attempted it several times and parked it as my anxiety levels went through the roof. In all honesty, I don’t want to go back to that work place. My GP won’t sanction it anyway.

I could ask for a transfer to a different location but if I’m totally honest, all I want to do is stay home and have babies. I’ve worked at my career since I graduated from university and now I want to be a Mum. More specifically a stay at home Mum. I don’t see the point in having children and having a child minder raise them. That’s only my opinion and I respect other people’s choices and views that are different to mine.

I know babies are expensive and being financially secure would be ideal but we don’t live in an ideal world. Fact is, I’m forty. Time is not on my side. My biological click is ticking, it has been ticking for a while and it is getting louder.

I like being at home. I feel safe at home, not that I feel unsafe when I’m out, but my house is my space. I’m in control when I’m home. I’m not really big into nights out – the hangovers are just not worth it. I’m ready to put my needs to one side and prioritise those of my child. It won’t be a huge wrench to put work aside to have a baby. I’m content.

I’ve also finally met a man that I want to have children with. He has a child from a previous relationship so I know already that he’s a good Dad. Its still fairly early days for our relationship and we have talked about having a child together. The sooner the better as far as I’m concerned!

There are some health issues to get under control, my blood pressure medication is necessary but not compatible with pregnancy. I’d also like to be off my medication for anxiety and depression too. I’m not quite there yet. They are definitely my security net and I’m not ready to relinquish that right now. I can’t think of a better reason to keep focused on my recovery than having a baby.

Self sabotage and me

I’ve noticed that this can be something I have a tendency to do. Let me explain what I mean. For the past few months I’ve been trying to lose weight, exercise more and get healthy. For the last few weeks, while I’ve been battling my anxiety, I’ve ordered a couple of takeaways and am in real danger of falling back into my old and bad habits. I’m well on the way. Not only am I sabotaging my weight loss (I’ve gained 2 pounds) I’m also sabotaging myself financially. Not great considering I’m now on half pay.

My sleep is another example. I’m not a great sleeper at the best of times but recently I’m finding myself staying up later, its like I’m trying to extend the day or delay going to bed to prevent the next day happening. This is particularly true as the week progresses and Monday approaches again. My anxiety definitely increases from Wednesday.

My work situation is another. I know I need to deal with the difficulty and make a decision which way I’d like HR to proceed. I’ve been delaying this decision. I’m a procrastinator at the best of times but I know I’m avoiding this. I also know I’m very anxious about the process but more so about the consequences of taking this action. Its a catch 22, I want something to happen before I feel ready to go back to work but by not doing anything, nothing will change and I won’t feel ready to go back.

Similarly, I’ve started to update my CV and think about what other jobs I could do but haven’t as yet had the confidence to apply for other jobs. My confidence has definitely been knocked by this. I hadn’t realised how much. I’m also really annoyed at myself that I didn’t take action about the work thing months ago. Instead, the harder I tried, the worse it got. I couldn’t do right for doing wrong and it didn’t matter what I did, nothing changed.

It took me months before I could tell anyone. I felt like I’d failed and that it was my fault. My mental health was such that I thought those close to me would be disappointed in me and judge me. I felt that I’d be stigmatised. Writing this know, makes me feel so angry. My family and friends would NEVER do this. My parents have always said no matter what, I can tell them anything and go home if I need to. My friends that I’ve spoken to have both supported me and identified that it sounds like bullying. Not only that, I know it is something that my friends have experienced, dealt with and successfully moved on to bigger and better things. I know I need to be proactive and take action.

So, tomorrow is the day. I’m scared and stressed and worried and anxious but I have to start to take back my control.