This too shall pass….hopefully

While it is true to say that I am feeling much more like myself than I have in a long time….something that my Mum commented on having noticed. These past few days, or more specifically nights, my anxiety has reared its ugly head.

I’ve always had fairly crazy dreams and have definitely woken up shaking my head on more than one occasion. These past few nights though have been different. I’ve found myself waking up drenched in sweat after dreaming of being chased, trapped, attacked, assaulted and feeling cornered. I’ve been finding myself trying to shout out in my sleep at my attacker and have woken myself trying to do so.

I’ve had nightmares before but previously when I’ve fallen back to sleep, I’ve had more pleasant dreams and woken feeling refreshed. Certainly not saturated in sweat with my heart racing. Recently though when I’ve managed to reassure myself that it was just a dream and I’m safe before going back to sleep, I’ve had another nightmare more disturbing than the one before.

Worse still, this feeling has lingered. Still is. I know what the cause is too – work. Ow that I’m feeling better, I find myself feeling more and more angry at the way I was treated by my manager. I’m wanting to go back to work but need a resolution to the manager issue. I’ve had a follow up meeting with the Occupational Therapist who is on agreement that a resolution is needed to allow my successful return to work.

Patience is not my strong point, so waiting to hear from my employer is causing me anxiety. I don’t know whether to take the bull by the horns and make the first move? I don’t feel that I’m calm enough to put my grievance in writing as yet. I’m stuck. I’m also tired of feeling like I’m out of control or of waiting for things to happen.

As the weather has taken a cooler turn, I’ve felt myself struggling to get warm. Its not uncommon for me to feel cold when I’m tired but I’ve also felt achey all over. I haven’t gotten around to getting my flu vaccination yet this year…I don’t know whether to go for it or hold off till I feel better. I’m worried that I might be getting a cold. Long gone are the days that a cold would come and go. The joys of being asthmatic means I now worry that it goes into my chest.

Its also fair to say that I am exhausted tired. I’m never fully rational or think straight when I’m tired. Unfortunately I’m also not really able to sleep during the day, unless I’m ill or having a migraine. I badly need a good and restful nights sleep. I really hope it happens. Until then, today will be fueled by caffeine and sugar.

Be more cat

As I’ve been at home more recently, I’ve spent a lot more time with my cat. He’s always been like my shadow but even more so now. He was a stray so its taken him some time to adapt to having a human and live with a human.

He’s always been friendly, he’d come to visit usually miaowing to announce his arrival then rub against my legs to say hello properly. I naturally assumed as he was in good condition, with a shiny coat, that he lived with his owners nearby.

It became apparent though that this was not the case…he appeared a few times looking dirty and unkempt. He let me clean him up, had a snooze then went on his merry way. This happened several times over a week or so before he disappeared for a few days. This was unusual, even if he didn’t come to visit, I’d see him pass through the garden.

One night, I heard a faint miaow. I opened the door to look out and even in the dark, I could see him, filthy dirty, injured on the garden wall. He jumped down and padded into the house. He’d been in a fight. He was covered in blood and dirt and looked exhausted. I cleaned him up, he was so patient and trusting and as gentle as I tried to be, I could see that he was in pain. I fed him and for the first time he hopped up on the sofa and fell asleep beside me. Exhausted. But he knew he was safe.

He’s been with me ever since. Poor boy then got cat flu and lost his miaow for a week or so but thankfully not permanently. I wouldn’t be without him now. His purr is so soothing, it really calms me down. He also gives me someone else to focus on. He needs to be fed and loves his belly rubs. He also loves his sleep – he’s asleep next to me on the sofa as I type this.

I’ve really seen his confidence increase and seen him relax into his environment. He’d never seen stairs before and was very tentative at first. I’d use treats and a soft tone to help him…he’d climb up 2 or 3 stairs, enjoy being petted but then he’d go back down and stay there. I was so delighted one night when I was getting ready for bed and heard him miaow to discover him sat on the landing, his first time ever. He then went from taking a few tentative steps into the bedroom to being perfectly comfortable sleeping beside me. When I’m out at work, he sleeps on the bed and then comes down to greet me when I come home.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that even when life is stressful, its so important to spend time with those you love, to not lose faith or trust in the world, to relax, to spend time doing things you find relaxing and enjoyable, to eat well and try to get enough sleep. Be more cat.

Self-care Saturday

This is what I’ve been doing today. Its been a bit of a rollercoaster week, my emotions have been on quite a ride seeing good days and tough days. Today is a tough day but there we go.

Today has involved washing my bed sheets. I love that feeling of getting into bed when there’s fresh, clean sheets on it. I also find tasks that show results soothing. So I also did some shredding, getting rid of old receipts and paperwork that I no longer need.

I’ve also eaten and cooked what I fancied. Yes, I am trying to be healthy and lose weight but I really fancied chicken satay so that’s what I made. There was also lots of tea and a very chocolatey chocolate chip cookie, it was delicious and I really enjoyed it. Trying to add balance, I enjoyed some delicious strawberries too.

I spent some time in the garden too…nothing strenuous just deadheading my roses, watering my thirsty plants and enjoying watching the butterflies. Over the last few days, when the weather has been dry I’ve seen quite a few. I have a budlija bush in my garden, which they like. My cat likes butterflies too….he likes to catch them so it can be anxiety provoking too.

Today was also about chilling out. I didn’t sleep well last night so I needed to take some time, relax on the sofa and watch some TV. My guilty pleasure at the moment is Long Island Medium. I’d love a reading with Teresa. I have quite a few loved ones who have passed away, it’d be lovely to hear from them again.

Another self-care strategy is having a nice warm shower, using my favourite shower gel and body lotion then putting on a clean pair of pyjamas. So it was only 6pm, so what! This is my self care day and this is what I needed. Today was also the day that I finished my night cream, I have a new tub so all is good but, I find finishing things very satisfying.

I also tried something new today, nothing exciting, just new stain remover and fabric conditioner but I like them. Admittedly, I’m going backwards…my new fabric conditioner is called Spring Awakening and my old one was Summer Breeze. They say a change is as good as a rest, so Spring Awakening it is.

Most important of all, is that I feel better. Tomorrow is another day….here’s hoping it’s a good one!

Insomnia

Its late or early depending on which way you look at it. I’m still awake. I have a thumping headache. I can’t sleep. Blogging won’t help me sleep but at least I’m doing something productive. I’m tempted to clean the bathroom but I have good neighbours and it would be very anti-social at this hour of the morning.

My cat is curled up sound asleep beside me. Nothing unusual there. I’m glad he’s here…he’s my shadow and has rarely left my side. He’s a funny wee character and I’d be lost without him.

I need to switch my brain off, its just so busy. I’m thinking about what I need to do tomorrow, what to have for breakfast, painting my nails, going back to work, money, decorating my house, leaving a spare key with a neighbour, the list is endless!

I’m anxious too. I’m not ready to go back to work, I know I need to and financially I definitely need to but I can’t face it just yet. Tomorrow/ today is going to be fuelled by caffeine….not great but there we go!